Good Evening, I am the Colonel. Everyone refers to me as the Colonel and that’s the way I like it. I am a member of the British Legion and I do my bit for them and all those who have served. I live alone at the end of the village. Samantha cleans for me and my shopping is delivered. My days are filled, solving crossword puzzles and keeping up to date with world events from the newspapers I collect each morning from the Post Office. I also like to peruse the ones at the pub, early evening. Gwen ensures my favourite arm chair is ready. My papers are folded correctly and my malt whiskey with one cube of ice is by my chair when I arrive. People often ask my advice and opinion on domestic and world issues. I am precise, like order and I always like to have the last word!
Good evening, everybody, and welcome to Littlewich. My name is Gwen and I run the village pub – The Pillar of Salt. Yes, there used to be two of us, but my partner – ex-partner – Chris, couldn’t take the pace of village life and decided he’d rather be back in the city. So you’re stuck with just me, I’m afraid. I get lonely sometimes, of course I do, but seems like there’s always somebody around to cheer me up, if you know what I mean?
They’re a strange bunch these villagers. Old Littlewich and New Littlewich – what’s that all about then? There are people who seem like they’ve been here forever and can probably trace their ancestry through this village – and new families moved in to liven things up. Everybody wants different things and some of them don’t care how they get them. And it all happens in this pub, you know? I bet this old place has seen a few christenings, marriages and wakes in its time.
Hi I’m Barry, I don’t live in the village – but seem to spend most of my time here, one way or another. Me and my mates seem to have attracted some nicknames – some of which are deserved. I’m Bazza to my mates – or Barry the Bins if you’re being formal! Surprise, surprise I’m on the bin round and I tell you – there is some interesting stuff thrown out it this village. I could tell you some tales when I see you in the pub. People think out of sight, out of mind – not the case – I see it all, and if Freddie Fingers sees it – he nicks it all, don’t you Freddie!!
Hey do one Bazza – it’s not like you haven’t passed me stuff to sell on! Freddie's the name, Littlewich born and bred – I know everyone – and I may be related to a few. I’m your original recycler – if you chuck it – I’ll save it from landfill and er….re-purpose it – usually for a profit. I do odd jobs to, look after the church grounds – that sort of thing. Oh yes, I’m pretty useful to know – and I have my reasons for keeping an eye on young Beth and her Grandma. I live next door to Mary and Jeff - but if I’m not at the pub, my favorite haunt is Joe’s tug boat.
Sod off yer bloody ‘tug boat’ – it’s a narrow boat you heathen! Show some respect or the next time you want to come aboard you’ll end up in the canal. I'm Joe and I’m not from round here – but I pass though about once a fortnight. My main trade is coal an' I have a low cost supply chain (well free actually if I’m passing the chandlers at the right time). I have varied wares for sale - bit of booze, some items may be a little on the warm side, but I do offer some good quality ‘herbs’ if you know what I mean. Don’t cross me – you’ve been warned.